I was sexually abused, and I always felt uneasy around men /Read/

I would often freeze, and I could never say please don’t be so close to me, or if it was someone who would fancy me, I would be so afraid to say don’t kiss me because I don’t feel like being kissed right now. I froze. 

We moved a lot when I was a kid; we moved so much that I remember this one time I was so stressed and afraid that the new place is going to be way worse than the one where we live before that I don’t remember even if I packed my bags. I froze. I just left for my grandma’s home.

I was scared of the change. I was trying to escape from that moment of;

I was afraid of how the NEW is going to be. I was afraid, and I already felt ashamed if I will have a horrible room and never be able to show it to my friends.

I wished for the beautiful wallpaper that would look so nice on the walls of my room. What I heard from my parents was - it’s not worth it. 

If the place was ours, we would make it nice. 

What I heard, what it meant to me, and how I understood it as a kid was: ”You’re not worth it.“

You’re not worth the nice, beautiful space. 

You’re not worth the effort of the time for you. 

Other priorities are more important than you. 

I know they never meant it, but I never knew until the day I faced myself sabotaging belief of how much I wanted to earn, how much does a private class with me cost.

I needed to get multiple certificates, diplomas, finish university, and get experience in the best schools. Compared to other teachers, I still put myself down with the lowest price in the city as - I was just starting.

I was very hesitant to name the price. I couldn’t say out loud how much money I wanted and I felt sorry for the other person that maybe It’s too much. I never knew how much I’m worth, and I knew others charge less. It never crossed my mind to ask myself - how much would I like to get for this job? How much was I worth to myself?

I was comparing myself to other yoga teachers.

Meditation teachers.

Coaches.

In my private life, I was comparing to my friends who had families, jobs, apartments, and cars.

When I checked Instagram, I was comparing my profile to those pretty pictures on the beach. People who are always holidaying or having that digital nomad life with a new coffee shop in a new city every day.

Why wasn’t I facing my uniqueness?

I was busy.

I was busy comparing, competing, and also complaining about life in general. I was living in the victim mode.

Read this again: I was busy. Busy COMPARING, COMPETING, and COMPLAINING.

At some point, it got so bad that I wouldn’t charge at all for my classes. I told myself: I’m just doing - you know - like the all good charity work and being a nice yoga meditation teacher, and why would someone charge for spirituality, right?

But deep down, I also wanted to be feeling safe. I wanted to have those good-looking yoga pants. I wanted to drive a reliable car and live in a cozy place.

I longed for my own desk with my vision boards and green plants.

But what I subconsciously was choosing for myself was living in a victim mode, living in scarcity—not facing those self-limiting beliefs.

It got extremely bad at some point. I was so busy doing all the free work that I could hardly afford my rent. I became more and more stressed, which led to burnout. I was longing to go and visit my family, but I couldn’t afford it. I wanted to help the world. I wanted to share my message. I wanted to show how amazing life can be, but at the same time, I was struggling and not admitting my struggle.

I fell into depression, and more bad thoughts would overcome me, still not realizing that I could just admit That I Am Unique.

What does it mean to be unique?

Well, we can look a little bit at IKIGAI, the Japanese method for finding out what you love;

what you’re good at;

what the world needs;

and what you can be paid for (you can work on this more in a journaling session).

At that point in my life, I was good at teaching. I also had a vegan food business, and I was good at cooking. I really loved doing those things. I’ve always loved whatever I’ve been doing. It was also what the world needed, but was I paid for that? I was a tiny bit, but not enough to go with the full force. I had to learn the lesson - getting back to my power.

I know you have heard of that, but what is the power? What is that thing? Well, once you realize your uniqueness, there’s nothing more than just the power of living your life to the fullest.

How did I realize my uniqueness?

I went through multiple books, courses, spoke with teachers, and recorded podcasts just to find out that I need to do that in her work as well. For me, it was journaling, and when I say journaling, it is a mixture of therapy and coaching.

Those days, I started with questions like:

What am I good at? Yes, similar to that Ikigai and didn’t know about Ikigai at that point.

I took classes about abundance and prosperity mindset, and it was suggested writing down 50 things that you’re good at, and of course, it makes you feel better; it makes your day better.

I also realized that my learning about self-worth and money was needed.

I often felt that I would run out of money. I felt that people are not able to pay so much that I should charge less. I started switching my mind to the abundance mindset.

From scarcity to abundance.

I imagined that people have so much and they’re so ready to give; that it’s enough for everyone. I realized that I’ve never run out of money. I looked at all the people who would help me if I hit rock bottom, and they were many. My new mantra became, “I’m here now; this is the perfect place and time for me to be here. I’m learning, I’m expanding, and I’m growing.” Money’s coming to me effortlessly. I’m so blessed with people paying me for something that I love doing; things that bring healing, courage, inspiration and make this place a better world.

So how can YOU realize your uniqueness?

Have a look at these questions:

Think about where you were born, the family you grew up in, the country, and the language you speak.

Imagine those things as little pieces of the puzzle of a colorful mosaic. Maybe you like more technical pictures, so imagine yourself as Lego and those building blocks.

Your family

Your country

Your language, culture, and society

Then think about what you chose after school. The University you chose, the studies, the courses, everything that you’ve chosen - your life experience has made into who you are today.

And even today, you are continuing to be part of the puzzle, putting it together and, every day, you’re building your very unique self.

Isn’t that magical?

Let’s start:

What is the most amazing thing about where I was born and grew up, and also about my family? What is something I would have never learned anywhere else in the whole wide world?

What did the people who were surrounding me as a kid teach me?

What did I learn from school? Did I learn beautiful relationships, or was it a hard-core thing I don’t want to remember, but I can relate to others now who are going through some challenging situations?

What are the skills and talents that I have learned throughout life?

What choices have I made that shaped me into who I am today?

If I consciously accepted everything that I’ve ever learned and experienced - the good and the bad?

What, the bad? Yes, the shadow self.

Remember how I started this story: As a kid, I was sexually abused, and I always felt uneasy around men.

It’s something that I wanted to forget, which I had buried deep down inside of me, and it was something that I thought I’ll just forget. It’s fine; I’ve forgiven the person whose kid I was looking after in a foreign country and who mixed some vodka in my drink and later tried to rape me. But forgiving is just forgiving.

I didn’t forget. I didn’t forget how scared I was. How ashamed I was, and how I felt guilty that it has happened to me and how I wanted to escape. I just wanted to feel safe. I wanted to tell this to someone, but I never could tell until I realized it had shaped me, until the day I heard from other women that they’ve gone through the same or even worse and that I can understand them.

Our stories shape us, and sharing them allows us to breathe again.

Think about those shadow parts that you would love to bury - the ones you don’t want to ever remember. It can be sexual abuse, it can be violence in the family, it can be growing up with no parents or with one parent or with violent parents, bullying in school, or anything that you would want to forget.

Can you shine a light on this now and say to yourself: “If this has shaped me, I understand the world better now. I understand people better, and I’m grateful for this experience. I might not understand just right now why that happened to me, but I accept that as a beautiful piece of the puzzle that is needed for This existence.”

And like I mentioned earlier, I compared myself to those yoga teachers with the crazy yoga poses. I was comparing to the digital nomads who seem to have it all together and also the money to travel the world and staying at those picture-perfect places that I also longed visiting. It’s not that I didn’t, but very often I did it because I also wanted to be like them, and that’s normal. You see again - being busy trying to be “them.” That’s normal till the day you realize it’s not fulfilling me. What is fulfilling me?

I think it is birdwatching. Oh, wow, so it’s not a party in Bali? You see, once you realize what is yours, it’s easy to make decisions. It’s possible to build your life as you want it, but going back to me comparing myself to other teachers, I never realized that I just compared this one little part - that yoga teaching part.

However, I could compare what life experiences we’ve had, what other things we’ve done, how we speak, how you approach people, what we love with our talents are what our character is - our values.

Do you think I would find even one teacher who is like me to compare myself with if I took account of all these things?

I don’t think so.

Not even a digital nomad. Is there anyone who was born, and Latvia was the first one in their family who traveled the world somehow by any means just out of curiosity? No, I don’t seem to find anyone like that besides me, and it’s not that I’m special, but for me, I am. For myself, I’m magical.

And when I started seeing the magic of this unique combination of how these life experiences, my choices, and my decisions have truly shaped me, there’s no one to compare myself with. What I can do instead is to celebrate.

To celebrate me. To celebrate others.

To realize we’re all on this puzzle on this journey of putting these things together, experiencing, and then I also started celebrating other people.

I started being nice, compassionate, and cheerful for other Yoga and meditation teachers, those who were running retreats.

I became supportive. I became someone that people would love to have in their conversations around their dinner tables on the weekend trips because I knew my worth and that I’m unique. I saw how unique, amazing, and how magical everyone else’s are, how they are all making this life puzzle truly enjoyable and worth experiencing.

I am not giving you answers

I am asking the questions.

And giving you space for your own answer to be written by you.

And giving you space for the answer.

As you now understand, I was looking at life from;

''I am not enough''

''You can't have it all''

''She'll get my job''

''Her life is so sorted out''

''I have to be careful; she is having too much fun with my boyfriend.''

Those were just insignificant thoughts at the beginning, and they could have stayed like that. But our minds, being powerful things and generators, ask questions and answer, as well as bubble all the time.

"She'll get my job" made me scared and competitive with my colleague for no reason. We were working in different departments, and I had nothing to do with hers; she could never harm me. But my thoughts did. I tried to become better than her.

I put her on the pedestal, and she became my God to compare things with.

How foolish.

The one who had such a great relationship with my boyfriend; wow, that thought. It ruined my relationship with him. I started acting all jealous and thinking he's such a horrible person that he'd cheat on me when he didn't answer my message for 1 hour.

Can you relate?

The start and the thought - innocent.

Nothing special and just a thought. But how we develop, how we play, how we imagine and re-live it in us is truly magical, powerful. But we have a choice to navigate and pick the speed and direction for our thoughts.

I named just five, but you know that that's nothing compared to what runs through our minds and what we choose to follow and develop. 

I developed a thought that food is so bad with all the sugar, gluten, and how it's not keto or vegan or any good for me. I was walking around hungry, angry, and it led me to really bad health.

I wish I had known that formula of looking at things "the other way around."

Literally, from the perspective of I am enough.

I notice the thought:

She's also running a workshop, how am I going to get the people for mine?

(Me looking from a scarcity mode of there's not enough for everyone)

I honor it coming to teach me - I say

''Thank you for letting me know I still need some more compassion towards myself.''

I remind myself: I am unique. How I've come into this world, the experiences, talents, skills, and how I view and appreciate life is unique. I can share that with others; they will see a new way of looking at things. I can gift them a part of the experience of being me through my view.

I go further:

 ''What can I learn from this person, what is she doing that I am not yet doing but would love to do?''

I see that I'd also love to charge so much and have a lot of help at the workshop as she does. I add notes to my next workshop, and I thank her for showing my limitations, as well as how I can also expand and do greater.

Today, I want to expand:

''What about supporting her and then going to her workshop to become a student again'' - I allow myself to pay her and appreciate her workshop, to be humble, to learn - maybe get some ideas on how to do or not to do things. Perhaps I just need it to say - it's enough. I need to organize mine because I have so many things to share and give, and I can give so much value. I know, even when writing, I wanted to compare - ''Her workshop is so bad, I could do better, that's why I'd do mine,'' but I noticed it, so I tune in and see - is this what I want, is this what I need now to heal, to grow, to learn more about me?

If it's yes, I go. If it's a no, I don't.

I am unique as I am. With all that I do and that I don't, I am enough. I chose to come into this world, go through these circumstances to be me today. Uniquely me. In 7 billion people, there's no one like me.

What can I give?

What can I share that will make this day better?

What can I allow to come through me, to be my experience, and then share and inspire others about it?

Meditation available in audio link




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